How I beat the Heebie Jeebies

I've been creeped out since my Scott left to go back to NY last Wednesday morning. I'm out here in, what to me feels like the middle of nowhere and it gets dark. I mean, dark. I'm thankful that this property has a security light that comes on at night and stays on. It helps me to see in the bedroom. You know, 'cause I like a night light.

So, it gets super dark and I'm not in a town. I'm outside a town. I have a few neighbors, but they are a distance away. Its far like this - I wonder if I screamed, would Darren hear me? I've done this before when Scott & I house sat out here. I was alone at night because he worked a third shift. We stayed in the finished basement, which was fine by me. I could hide down there. I learned to sleep with the TV on and the lights on. I tried real hard not to go upstairs because I didn't want anyone too see me through the windows. And I literally had an escape plan. If the killers came down the stairs, I'd hide behind the fireplace (you could walk all the way around it) and then hit the stairs after they went into our room. Plus, I slept with a blow torch and a knife. I shit you not.

A few days after we left that house, it was broken into. They stole the desk that was next to our bed. Scott and his friend tried assuring me that they knew we'd moved out (there was still stuff in the house which the family was getting ready to auction), but I was still beside myself.

Now, I'm out here again and I'm alone. Well, I've got the kids, but at night that's the same as being alone. Bonus of it being 2011 instead of 1997 is I have a cell phone so I can call 911 or Darren from my hiding place if I have to. But anyway, this is supposed to be all about how I stopped being scared.

I was making sure that all the blinds were closed at night because with little light, I can't see out the windows and I didn't want any people wandering the farm fields to see me. I ended up pinning a blanket to the front door because its a lot of glass and the porch light doesn't work. That freaked me out the most. The blanket really helped me loosen up. I'm not running around naked, but I'm better.

And then I had a thought last night - 'What's more likely? Getting killed living where there are few people or in the City That Never Sleeps? Or even on Strong Island?'

That's when I realized how silly I was being.

How can I feel safe as a bug in a rug walking through a NYC subway station at 1 am, or let's say walking the street alone on 10th Avenue at night, or the Lower East Side, or Harlem, or wherever and be scared on a farm? I'm laughing at myself as I write this because even now I still think its less scary to be in any of those other places than here. I think it comes down to it being more familiar to me in a city setting. But knowing that technically its more dangerous in a city than in the country helped me chill out a bit.

However, I'm not in the clear. I just got a text from my brother (we text each other movie quotes) and as I stood up to answer it, I wondered if it was a killer texting me. I really need to make those wards to protect this house. I think I'll get on that tomorrow night!

I'm getting better, but I've just realized I ain't there yet. I think I'll keep the knife on the bedroom window sill tonight. Too bad I lack a blow torch.